Never go to Target with a full belly and a lack of sleep.

Everyone always says “don’t go to the grocery store on an empty stomach”. Let me assure you, going to a Target store on a full stomach but with severe fatigue is equally dangerous.

I’m not certain Ginger or myself could have handled another eight hour drive day after Monday. This was never more evident after the pressure valve finally blew off Monday night in the Tigard Target. Last Thursday when the movers showed up we were informed that the earliest they could deliver us was March 10th, more than a week longer than we had expected (or planned for). We did not pack accordingly because we thought they were going to be arriving the same day we would. This meant we would not have some of the necessities needed in the apartment. Simple things like pots, mugs/glasses, towels.

As we sat in the “Baja Fresh” eating the well below par food (we expected it but needed something quick), Ginger and I started making a plan for this past Monday evening. We wanted to be in bed soon, so she started making a list of essentials we would need just to get us through the morning. We wobbled out of Baja Fresh with the napkin list in hand and headed to Target.

It started with Ginger’s ghetto ass GPS voice. Keep in mind I had just driven and navigated 2000 miles with the pleasant human google voice. The Target was only three miles away and probably a total of three turns but we were in a foreign place, so we turned on the GPS nav on her phone…..and was I thrown when I heard this abrasive computer generated monotone voice. Most of you know I’m an audiophile…and I’m very particular about sound. If a computer could have an asshole personality…this was the voice. Nevermind…just get us there.

We were walking up to Target and Ginger stopped dead and said “oh I forgot the list….wait no I didn’t”. So it began…we started our stupor giggles. Crap…here we go. In the doors, we walked passed the carts so I said “should we grab a cart?” and G stopped short turned around and started pulling on the new playschool style carts. The stack gave up its bounty and we proceeded down an aisle of which we had no business. We stared past all the aisle labels wondering where we were.

Focus. Ok…let’s get the basics out of the way….Is this a Target? YES!….Is it a Super Target? Well it’s a good one I don’t know if I’d qualify it as Super….no…does is it have groceries?…Yes Ok we’re on a roll now. Let’s start with a single pot. We made our way over to housewares…and they had a Calphalon section. Why would we spend 50 bucks on a pan of which we have 20 coming to us already…and had just purged a few? The next aisle over had the Target “Chefmate” sets. Perfect. We’ll buy a set and donate it when ours arrive. Oohhh they have a set of 18 pieces for 26 dollars….on it…wait ginger points out there’s a set for 17 AND it has a few basic utensils(of which we had none). We looked at each other with huge bugged out eyes and puckerted lips like we had just won the lottery. Score 1.

Next I said “We have some flatware, but do we have two sets at least?” (even though we had a box of plastic ware as well). Ginger said “What do you mean?”…”I mean do we have two knives, two forks, and two spoons?” She looked at me and said ” I didn’t pack forks”. With very SAD puppy dog eyes I responded as kindly as I could: “Why would you do that?”. “You packed spoons and butter knives but no forks….how does that make any sense?”. We both started laughing hysterically…I’m sure the people in Target thought we were drunk. Ginger looked at me and said “focus…we just need to get through the night” (the morning was so far off at this point we didn’t care).

Living in a house for 14 years you take basics for granted…like shower doors. I don’t remember the last time I had to purchase a shower curtain so the concept was a little old to me. “We need a shower curtain” she said. Ok…lets go get a shower curtain. As we stood there in front of the shower curtains, a much longer than needed conversation ensued about what color to purchase. Finally the time limit expired on that discussion so we grabbed a white one and called it good.

I went over to grab paper towels and laundry detergent (because we were going to get funky soon with only four days worth of clothes). “Do we have any tupperware or anything for leftovers?”…”No they’re all packed”…”Okay do we need a piece or two?”…”did you notice in our apartment if we had a microwave?” Same look as above…but different reason. Both stared at each other and said aloud: “Living cannot be this hard can it?”. We didn’t know if we had a microwave in the apartment or not, but we were fairly sure we didn’t. Ok get your shit together and let’s just get home safely without slamming the car into a telephone pole trying to grab a quick 15 minute nap.

Okay…we make our way to the checkout and they have those messed up “stacked” checkouts where you have to push your way through other lines to try to get to the open checkout behind the other(whoever thought that was a good idea should be shot).

Whew, we got checked out and remembered that we can’t use our insurance card for payment and used the correct form….maybe life isn’t so hard.

Walking out to the car I asked Ginger….”Do we have shower curtain rings?”…Again a very sad look fell upon my face as her expression is all I needed to confirm we did not. We were done! No more. I’ll freaking use zip ties if I have to…I’m not going back in there man…don’t make me go back man.

Ginger wanted to celebrate with opening a bottle of wine we carried with us from Texas. Do you think we had a corkscrew?….Hell no. She said we’ll go to the dollar store…..I said “hell no, we just got rid of three of them in Dallas I’m not buying another”.

Well tonight I was not going to deny her wine. So I tried the bottle in the shoe method (don’t bother googling)…and started getting nervous I was going to break the bottle and my wife’s heart at the same time. I stared at the cork for a second or two…wheels turning slowly but they were turning. I thought “we just bought a towel rack but we have to wait until the other shipment arrives because the screws are too long to mount on the cabinet doors…what if I screw one in to the top and use a pair of pliers to pull it out?” ¬†20140305_182024




Victory! Wine! We will live!




3 thoughts on “Never go to Target with a full belly and a lack of sleep.

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